My Discovery Day: The Affair

by - February 11, 2019

Have you ever experienced a horrible feeling that you couldn't explain or even understand, but the feeling of wanting to do something about it was overwhelming? I've been there. It drove me crazy for half a week because I knew that something was off. I just didn’t know what that was. It wasn’t until a night of family celebration that I finally understood the horrible feeling I had. It was a Facebook message on my partner's phone.

I don't know why did it, and I don't know how I knew that the answers I craved were on his device, but as soon as I knew that he was in a deep sleep, I turned on his cell phone and scrolled through his messages until I saw something that felt off to me. As soon as I started reading, my stomach twisted and the oxygen of the room vanished. I glanced up from the phone screen to look at him as he slept, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't understand, or accept, why he would even do such a thing. To think, not a few weeks before this, he told me he loved me for the first time and were planning on moving in together.

My world collapsed at that moment. This was my "discovery day," as they call it, and it is as awful as you would imagine.

To this day the events are still fresh and still raw. I know the memories should not be messed with, especially if I want to fully move on, but I still think of it time to time; I can't help it, and it's not like I do it intentionally. The horrible memory always seems to manage to sneak its way in. It is a day that will forever be etched on my heart, mind, and soul, of that I can be certain because I was forced to go through the feelings of betrayal, heartache, and humiliation, and was left to live in a constant state of what feels like an emotional hangover. 

I'll be honest, it is hard to find your footing in the weeks - and even months - following the discovery day, and hell, it was hard to get out of bed to even put my feet on the ground. But even early on, one thing seemed to ease the heaviness of processing my horrible reality; I had to share my story, even if it was just with family and closest friends so that I didn’t feel alone in my sadness and anger. I couldn’t have handled it alone, it was too much, and I definitely wasn't ready to have a sit down with my partner.

Sharing the experience of the affair has helped a lot; I wasn't bottling anything in which would have potentially harmed my mental health and wellbeing (you should never bottle in your feelings and emotions). Family, friends, and support groups offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and great comfort. There are days where I still feel hurt and emotionally hungover, but I am committed and confident that I will leave all of this heartache behind me and in the past where it belongs, and I’ll eventually get back upright after one of life’s obstacles.

After talking things out and receiving advice from the people closest to me, my partner and I decided to work things out and rebuild the trust and love that was shattered. It's been three years since the affair, and although we worked it out and we are now closer than we have ever been, things are not easy. This does not bother me anymore because I have realized that no great relationship is ever easy or perfect; there's just no such thing!

I know a lot of people would not have stayed after going through something similar - and believe me, I almost didn't! - but after thinking things through, I wanted to give our relationship a second chance because anyone can make mistakes, and the potential that I saw in us was something I was not ready to let go of. It is up to you, and only you, whether you should stay or not. If you cannot forgive and let go, then my advice would be to leave. If you stay, knowing that this experience will always haunt you and something that you may use in arguments against your partner, then the relationship will not be healthy for either of you.

If you want to stay, then you need to learn how to let go, forgive, and move on (after talking things over). This process takes time, but it is crucial for the health of your relationship that you are sure you have let that experience go to focus on rebuilding a strong relationship with that person again.

And if you have gone through something similar, I am so sorry that you did. That pain and betrayal is something no one should ever have to experience. My best wishes to you!

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  1. Oh wow! This is a very deep and personal story. Thank you for sharing because I’m certain you will help others. Sending love and healing your way.

  2. I'm so sorry that your're going through this. This was a hard read. I know the feeling of loving someone and then finding out they are not as loyal as you are to me. I hope better days come for you.