I am Burning This Bridge and Moving On

by - November 19, 2018

It’s been a long while since the last time I thought of you. 

This time I wasn’t surprised or disgusted; not a single bit. I think it’s because of the new found acceptance of what happened to me, and the strength I gained because of having to go through it. That’s what I like to think, anyways.

This time I thought about the day we met. You were mysterious, cold, and arrogant. Everything I disliked in a person, so why was I so attracted to you? Perhaps it was the right amount of cockiness and kindness you showed when you pursued me, and the adventure and craziness in your blue eyes, and carefree attitude. You were both what I loathed in a person and everything I have ever fantasized about at the same time. You were the unhealthy balance I decided to take a chance on.

You treated me like I was some sort of slave. Some sort of toy… like I was your property. Yet, you treated me like a queen at the same time, as though you truly loved and cared about me. You were able to make me feel like I only had you, like I was worthless, and no one else wanted me, and yet you were able to make feel needed and amazing. All. At. The. Same. Time. You were a master at manipulation, I’ll give you that.

I am not angry with you. 

Not even after your obsession to get me pregnant drove you to the point of being abusive and having psychotic outbursts; throwing tantrums every time a test came up negative; not even after all of the mental and emotional abuse/manipulation. Nor the time you hit me. Three times. Because I tried to leave and because I told you I was not ready for children.

No, if anything, I was angry at myself; angry that I ever allowed you, you of all people, to break me, I didn’t even recognize ME anymore; angry that I ever allowed you to charm your way out of (and in to) things; angry that your touch could make me do just about anything you wanted, like make me stay and keep me quiet of all the things you have done to me…

I am disgusted with who I was when I was with you, yet I am thankful you entered my life at the time you did and thankful for what I went through. 

Why? “How,” you ask?

It’s quite simple.

After you left me deserted and broken, I learned how to put myself back together and now I am stronger than I ever was before. I turned my self-disgust and sadness into anger and strength, and now my independence and confidence make men nervous. I know the difference between a sick guy like you, and a genuine human being now. I took charge of my life, and now I will never allow someone like you to break me ever again; it’s happened for too long with too many, so thank you for being the one to open my eyes and help me come to terms with how much power I actually did have.

Without you, I would never have met the amazing man I am with now. Without you, I would never have learned how to lift myself up, put myself together, and help others to do the same. I have been quiet about what I had went through ever since you got taken away, and now I think it's time to use my voice. My story deserves to be heard, too. 

With love, always, Chantel.

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  1. This sounds exactly like me in my first relationship. Although I'll never say thank you for what i went through. Maybe im not as strong as you or as kind? I just will never have it in me to do so- which I can say with certainty because its been 15 years already! I wish you well with healing, good for you for letting go. You will always and continuously deserve to be heard!